MY SPIRIT GUIDES
I have spirit guides.
They came to me the first time during my second Vision Quest, appearing as two spiral fractal patterns above my eagle-feather staff in the west.
I was told they would come. I thought I might be scared.
I wasn’t. They weren’t at all menacing; nor were they affable. They were just there. Benign.
I asked them questions about the path I was on, looking for guidance and approval.
They laughed, playfully. “It doesn’t matter. You can do or not do.”
That was essentially their answer to all my questions.
“Let go of your stories of right and wrong. You’re taking all this WAY too seriously.”
They invited me into their world, beckoning.
I knew what that meant: total freedom, but a dissolution of my ego. Surrender. Complete non-attachment.
I wasn’t ready for that.
They shrugged. “We’re always here. You can come. Or not. It doesn’t matter.”
Then they were gone. Tricksters.
I call on them from time to time, asking them questions when I feel lost or confused.
They just laugh at me, teasing, reminding me of the absurdity of my worries.
It’s comforting.
Recently though, I got a different kind of response.
I was upset with some people in my life I thought were behaving badly and I was questioning my relationship with them.
When I asked my guides for reflection, I heard “SELFISH,” strong and scolding.
Not what I was expecting.
I didn’t want to trust it.
But it cut through.
I let it in.
They were right. I was being selfish. Judging. Making myself a victim. Considering only my experience, my feelings.
Reflecting on it later, I thought of the teachings of the Pathwork Lectures and the three aspects of the lower self: pride, self-will, and fear.
Pride says “I’m better than.” Guilty.
Self-will says “I want what I want when I want it.” Guilty.
Fear rationalizes being a victim. Guilty.
It was a relief to see it in myself.
I saw how I was authoring the separation causing my frustration.
AndI knew what to do about it: take responsibility. Say something or accept.
Instead I’d been quietly stewing, complaining, indulging in my resentment.
It’s an old pattern that’s come at a cost.
It puts a limit on my power, my aliveness, my creativity, and my love.
And it expresses itself in every aspect of my life; a subtle, low-grade vibration distorting everything.
I sat with it, contemplating.
Then I heard the words, “Your life is not your own.”
I felt resistance. I didn’t like that. Didn’t want to believe it.
But what if it was true?
I tried it on and immediately felt sad.
I knew what it meant.
It was time to say goodbye…
For years I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I’d jump on my motorcycle, ride cross-country, sit in an ayahuasca ceremony, then camp out in the woods for a week.
I’d fly to Vegas, check into a casino, and sit and play poker for three days straight.
And when I decided I wanted to live in the mountains, I rented a house, packed up my truck and moved.
I was free, responsible to no one.
But I was alone. Always alone.
That time has come and gone.
I’m getting married in three weeks, committing to a union bigger than myself.
And for my work to expand, I must do the same.
It feels good. A relief. The path is clear and open in front of me. Unlimited possibility.
I’ve finally realized the only way to freedom is commitment.
To surrender my life to God.
To give without expectation.
Having arrived at this place, I like to think my guides are pleased.
But I know that’s another projection of my ego.
As usual, they’re just laughing at me, delighting in the silly games I play with myself.
I’ve never felt so seen.
Understood.
Loved.
Thank you, spirit guides.
I’m grateful to you, whoever you are.
March 17, 2024